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Monthly Archives: June 2010

Written under duress by Collin Reischman

I’ll be damned if it isn’t that time again. Shit, time for the whole world, civilized or not, to watch the most widespread sport on earth. For Americans, soccer is like yoga, Whole Foods, and bicycles. It’s something hipsters and smartasses enjoy. Something that the rest, the red-blooded god and country swine, can’t possibly understand.

Pictured above: The only thing even the terrorists don't hate...

Call me a hypocrite, but I like soccer. I don’t love it. I don’t love much about any one sport.  Oh, lord above; just give me a close game between excited and exhausted athletes with exceptional talent. Please, let there be heroics and tears and drama, let the final score be decided in the final moment, to hell with blowouts and lopsided losses. Gimme some fucking drama.

I don’t ask much from modern athletes. I don’t need them to be smart, well read, or even moral. I don’t care who they ravage or how. I just want drama, big spectacles with flashy moves and near misses.

Soccer is chalk full of good fucking drama. That’s why I drink it up. Skinny little Europeans, brown people, and occasionally an American or two, jogging around for 90 minutes with spikes on their feet and battering-ram heads makes for a good cocktail. Once in a while, one of them will take a fantastic spill, flipping sideways dramatically, rag-dolling it for bonus points, and begging the ref for a penalty.

Or maybe they’ll score. Ever watched a soccer player clinch a major game with one kick? You know what happens? They have a fucking conniption.  They’ll dance and cry. They become endorphin-crazed worshipers at some Pentecostal Church.

I'll have what he's having....

One goal can make the difference between glory and goat. That’s all I want. Between the Lakers current monopoly on basketball and those shit-eating Yankees, few mainstream sports seem to have legitimate competition.

At least in soccer there is a better chance the team you hate will get blindsided with a bad call, all hopes dashed. Hell, is those limey brits can’t get screwed out of a goal, then there is hope after all.

The World Cup, for Americans, comes in a flash, and it’s gone. We got lucky, and our team actually showed flashes of skill, poise, even I daresay, a little grace with the ball at times. So sure, the population will fake it, inspired by those oh-so-hypnotizing red, white and blue colors we can’t resist, and they’ll get nice and excited for another chance for a little nationalist zeal.

But when it’s over. When ‘country most of us can’t locate on a globe,’ beats ‘country we didn’t know still existed,’ they ever shortening American attention span will find a bright and shiny new toy to play with. Just hope they’ve forgotten about Justin Bieber by now.


Written under duress by Collin Reischman

BP, otherwise known as British Petroleum, is responsible in one way or another for the greatest ecological disaster in American history. This is a relatively undeniable fact in these very deniable times.

What the people should find most upsetting is not that BP CEO Tony Hayward recently went yacht racing amidst the national crisis.It should not upset them that Obama placed a moratorium on deep water drilling for six months, that was just overturned by a federal judge.

Did Obama get a spanking by a conservative judge for possibly overstepping his executive authority? No doubt. In fact, it was a rather embarrassing day for the White House in general. That damned McChrystal fellow isn’t helping, either.

But wait! Wait just a goddamn second. How do we handle the massive cleanup and recovery from this fucking nightmare without any involvement of the federal government? Sure, states could take things up for themselves, but then there is more uncertainty. They lack the same wallet, the same resources that major government entities can mobilize.

Does it matter who cleans the mess, so long as it’s done? Hell, who is going to spank BP if not the White House? Let’s be frank here, nobody wants them to walk away from this clean. The damage on the environment, shrimping and fishing industries, as well as decreased tourist demand and major contamination of essential resources should be the responsibility of the company that oversaw their causation.

"Please. I'd rather not have members of our fascist federal government involved in my cleaning. I'll wait for the good, local state volunteers. Don't Tread On Me!"

BP knowingly and deliberately greased the wheels of federal regulators, manipulated their own safety standards, and generally acted in Machiavellian fashion just to make a few extra dollars.

Hayward, moments from using the Darth Vader choke on a pelican

Then, there was an explosion, and a few dead rig workers, and a national fucking outrage. The American people, or more specifically, the voter, should spend less of their moral outrage on our President and more on the criminally insane Tony Hayward and his goons.

Is the President overstepping his power in cleaning the Spill? Is he doing ENOUGH? Why hasn’t his response been stronger? Why hasn’t he let the states handle it?

I answer all of those questions with this: Who gives a shit?

Really. Who in the hell cares who or how the spill is cleaned? Let’s get concerned with cleaning it well, and doing it soon, instead of squabbling over petty nothings.

There wouldn’t be a debate about moratorium’s and deep water drilling if BP had just done what they were supposed to do and obey the law. Perhaps we should focus our furious partisan hatred toward our mutual distaste of greedy corporate thugs and the damage they seem to impose on millions, while somehow remaining totally unharmed.

Seriously. Don't you want to fuck him up?